“Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.” –Ambrose Bierce
“We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.” –Ambrose Bierce
“The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.” –Ambrose Bierce
“The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.” –Ambrose Bierce
“It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.” –Ambrose Bierce
“A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.” –Ambrose Bierce
“To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.” –Ambrose Bierce
“War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.” –Ambrose Bierce
“What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.” –Ambrose Bierce
“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.” –Ambrose Bierce
“History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.” –Ambrose Bierce
“The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.” –Ambrose Bierce
“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.” –Ambrose Bierce
“The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.” –Ambrose Bierce
“What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.” –Ambrose Bierce
“To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.” –Ambrose Bierce
“We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.” –Ambrose Bierce
“Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.” –Ambrose Bierce